What I’m Working On With My Clients This Week

Coping with feeling like a single parent when you’re not — and what it looks like to step out of that role.

It’s no shock that high-achieving women of color have historically carried the invisible load — holding it together, making it look easy, and pushing through until burnout hits. Research consistently shows that chronic stress has real effects on the body, brain, and emotional regulation (McEwen, 2007).

This past week, I learned of a mother who passed away from a brain aneurysm. Her son was her entire world, and she poured into him with all her heart. What immediately came to mind was how no one will ever show up for him the way she did. And still, the body can only take so much. Stress accumulates, and when it goes unmanaged, it becomes harmful — not just emotionally, but physically (van der Kolk, 2014).

There is simply no way one person can do everything and stay healthy, grounded, and emotionally regulated. Something eventually gives — and too often, that “something” is us. Especially for women who have been conditioned to endure without complaint (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

But what if there is a way to find a little more balance? (I use that word gently.) Life will always tip back and forth, but claiming moments for your voice, your peace, and your parent identity is essential.

As women of color, we don’t always get our flowers while we can smell them. So, we must learn to give them to ourselves. Asking for help, connecting with caregivers, and tapping into community support all have real, research-backed benefits for mental and physical health (Thoits, 2011).

When I work with clients, I’m often helping them rewrite the internal narrative that they’re “failing.” More often, they’re simply overwhelmed — and human. A big part of my work with parents is helping them recognize and learn how to tend to themselves, and how to integrate that self-care without feeling guilty for stepping away. Our nervous systems are not built to be in survival mode 24/7. And when caregiving becomes chronic and unsupported, toxic stress becomes a real risk (Shonkoff et al., 2012).

So I want to encourage parents to set boundaries, notice what tasks can realistically wait, and ask for help — even small, practical help that gives you time back. Ask someone—a relative, friend, neighbor, church member for time. Ask them to read to your child, take them to a museum, play outside, or watch a movie with them. Time is a resource that allows your nervous system to reset (Porges, 2011).

And lastly, reflect.

When are you feeling most alone?

Is there one thing you can stop carrying — the need to respond immediately, to plan, to coordinate, to hold all the emotional labor — so you don’t burn out before anyone notices you’re exhausted?

Your needs matter.

Your rest matters.

And you don’t have to do it all to be a good parent.